Phoneys!

He was known as 'The Head Turner' for his exceptionally tall frame which was further complemented by his peachy complexion and sharp features. Owing to his job profile, his used to step in one hour prior to the culmination of my shift. Whenever he used to come to me to exchange greetings, I generally used to nod my head without as much as looking at him. It continued for a few days before he protested my indifference. Perhaps I hit his male ego somewhere.

He stood next to me until I looked up at him and asked, "Busy always, huh?"

"Hey! Take no offense. I am usually busy with day end reports which eat up a lot of my time. Is there anything I could help you with?" I defended myself.

"I was wondering if we could have a cup of coffee."

"Good idea, except that I would not have that kind of time on me. But thanks for asking." I politely dismissed.

He hovered around for a couple of days expecting more attention from me but only savoured disappointment. Once, when I was heading towards the exit, he caught me unawares.

"I know you'd never have enough time so I thought why not escort you to the cab and have coffee with you on the way." he said modestly extending a cup of coffee to me.

“You don’t give up, do you?” I replied with a straight-face.

I left that organization after a few days and conveniently forgot about him.

A few months later, I received an anonymous call. It was him. A little chat revealed that he had also quit shortly after and had moved into aviation. Owing to his looks, he was still being pestered by the female crew members, he shared. I found his conversation amusing because for the first time I came across a man who was harassed by women and who was complaining about it. Then he inquired about my relationship status and my marriage plans. I didn’t want to indulge in all that so I terminated the call.

A few days ago, he showed up at my work and called me from the coffee shop at the ground floor. Some people just never grow up, I murmured. I tried to avoid meeting him but he was adamant. Anyhow, I took the elevator to the ground floor.

He was waiting for me with a bouquet in hands. He still looked the same. Kashmiri-Mohammedans never age, perhaps.

“What brought you’re here?” I asked plainly.

“Hey! Don’t be so mean! I searched for you everywhere and finally got your number from xyz. I was so excited to see you...” He explained.

“I'm glad to see you too but don’t you think a place other than my work would have been better?” I was agitated.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t want to upset you.” He said apologetically, which didn’t show on his face, apparently.

“Hmmm! How have you been? All well back at home?” I inquired.

“Yeah! All well… I got these flowers for you.” He said extending the bouquet to me.

“Oops! I am sorry but… I can’t take them.”

“Why not?”
“You're forgetting... I am at work.” I paused for a moment and then continued, “Why are you chasing me? Its been so many years. Sometimes its good to grow up.”
“I thought it was evident. I like you so much and I want to marry you.”

“Excuse me! That came on rather fast. You trying to sow your wild oats here?” I was flabbergasted.

“Huh?” He said narrowing his brows.

“Never mind.” I shrugged.

“Tell me - will you marry me?”
“Its not possible.”
“Why not? Why are you so indifferent to me?” He was getting impatient.

“I don’t think I owe you any explanation. But don’t you know the answer yourself.”

“No, I don’t. I ask you again, will you marry me?”And he started to kneel down.

His reckless actions had always frightened me. And this was the weirdest thing ever happened to me. People around were starting to notice us.

“Enough! Behave yourself!” I almost screamed. “Listen! I don’t care how many girls you have knelt down before but I am not the kind of woman you could impress by your looks and by such flirtatious actions. I don’t mean to hurt you but I don’t see myself with you.” I spat it out.

“What does that mean? Give me a chance at least.”

“Even if I do, my parents wont. Inter-religion marriage is not something they will ever approve of.”

“I am not asking you to change your religion.”

“Doesn't matter. It happens anyway.”

“Just let me know one month in advance if you ever change your mind.”

“See...that’s precisely why I stayed away from you.” I left leaving the bouquet on the table.

Marrying Anybody

'If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't.' ~ Chuck Palahniuk

My mom strategically sat next to me and his mom next to my mom so I had to act shy but one can pretend for so long. With my chin slightly down, I managed to look at him through my eyelashes. He was a little low on confidence which led to an instant urge to play a rapid fire round with him but I dropped the idea thinking that he may not survive. It was also a little unnerving to have so many eyes fixed at me. His family's demeanour convinced me that I was the only woman who agreed to give their son a chance and it appeared that they were wondering if I will be generous enough to give a verdict in his favour. I didn’t see that happening though.

Despite the subtle music in the background, his silence was deafening so I opted to lead. All his answers pushed me to laugh and give him a piece of my mind but I had to resist that as well. Such tormenting was the setting.

I had no interest in enquiring about his work profile. I had done my home work. So I began with the most basic and the easiest question:

How do you utilise your spare time?
I sleep.
(How creative!!) Throughout the weekend?
Mostly. Actually during week days, I wake up at 6am and sleep at 11pm. So I catch up on my sleep during weekends.
That was still more than what I sleep but I figured he had no other hobby/passion in his life.

Do you like travelling?
Who doesn’t?
You don’t ask question in response to a question but he seemed oblivious to that.
I know people who prefer to stay indoors. Anyhow, what kinda places you like to travel?
Anywhere.
You mean 'anywhere'. Even to the remote areas of the Southern Sahara Continent.
I didn’t mean that. I would like to go on a world tour. I like beaches.
Why bother the world to see a beach. Go to Goa or Kerala.
Honestly, he didn’t look like the types who love travelling and meet people to experience their culture.

Do you have interest in adventure sports or in general sports for that matter?
I am scared to take risk so adventure sports are definitely not for me. As for sports, I don’t religiously follow any. Just enough to keep conversations with friends and colleagues.
Not even soccer or cricket or tennis or grand prix.
Not really.
Even more interesting!
You don’t know what you're missing on then. I believe if you don’t take risk in life, you aren’t living your life really. But then again, to each his own.

Do you read?
That I do. I read newspapers to keep myself updated on the capital market.
OMG! You're so different.
You mentioned that you have no other hobby than to sleep. My bad!!
I read that much on my phone while travelling to work and I don't count it as 'reading'.

What do you love the most about yourself?
That I want to keep my life uncomplicated.
Wow! That was an intelligent one. You know, generally people like to screw their life. I am sure that’s what keeps them going. After all, you got to have some motivation to get past each day.

That reminds me, what motivates you?
Money.
(How clichéd!!)
Of course, what else can? My bad… again!

Is there anything you expect out of your life? Something you'd like to achieve.
Personally, I want to keep my life uncomplicated. Professionally, I'd like to continue with my current profile.
Again... so challenging!

Why do you want to get married?
For the same reason other people do… its time. My parents want me to settle down now.
By 'its time', you mean, age?
He responded to my question with “are you a dumb?” look.
I don’t understand the fixation about age when people decide to marry. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you gotta be physically, emotionally, mentally ready to commit to someone. How can age be a deciding factor?

So will you marry anybody your parents choose for you or you have any expectations from your prospective partner?
She should be friendly.
I am really friendly once you learn to worship me.

I was really impressed by his unique point of view (or lack of it). His life was so simple. Any friendly girl would be fine with him. In fact, I reckon it didn’t even matter to him whether he marries a woman at all, any friendly man would be equally fine with him. All he needed was a partner who was as dead as he was. I guess he never gave it a thought that he was living like a zombie.

He didn’t ask me any question except where I did my schooling. To which I wanted to say that I didn’t go to school at all. In fact, I used to sit outside the window of a classroom.

He could have chucked my questions back at me, if nothing else. I guess he lacked curiosity completely. I found him totally directionless who didn’t know what he wanted from his life. He could travel to anywhere, he was ready to marry anybody, and he had no specific goal in his life.

Instead his father asked if I was rigid about working post marriage.
That was perplexing. That’s a decision a woman should take. Entering into a relationship doesn’t mean I will have to let a part of myself be taken away. Taking on the responsibility of a relationship doesn’t mean one has to give up on doing the things one likes to do. Anyone in a relationship should have the freedom they want. Why will anyone lose their identity to a relationship? One should be honoured as an individual human being and not just as a partner or the "other half" of a relationship.

His mom, who was until now looking at me adorably, asked my mom if I had any physical ailments.
My mom should have asked if their son was suffering from AIDS.

Being a woman, I should be more concerned about his health. I pitied their line of thinking. Guess we are developing in the material sense but not evolving really.

“Hope to see you soon!” He said before leaving.
“Hope as soon as never!” I replied.

I guess it’s about time when my parents should understand that touching their feet, earning a handsome package, possessing good looks and having own property doesn’t qualify a man to be 'my' prospective life partner. It’s more important that he loves 'life', cherishes my chirpiness, is able to hold a meaningful conversation and most importantly appreciates 'me' as a person and doesn’t want just anybody.

Phew!! It was an exhausting experience. Let me grab some rest.

The Businessman

I don’t advocate love marriages; neither do I favor arranged ones. I look at both of them as a means to meet your life partner. The only advantage of love marriages is that you get comparatively more time to judge the comfort level and the compatibility factors before you decide on the person you would want to marry. However, in arranged marriages, the decision is more or less governed by the family members hence the emphasis on the aforementioned factors is less.

Since I am not totally averse to the idea of an arranged marriage, I agreed to meet this guy on my parents’ suggestion. He was a businessman who owned a chain of food-joints. Both the families mutually agreed upon meeting at one of his open-air coffee shops. When we reached the venue, his father graciously came to the entrance to receive us. He ushered us to a large table in a corner, where the rest of the family, which consisted of his mother, elder brother, his wife and a kid, was eagerly waiting for us. The ambience was pleasing with soft lights and soothing music in the backdrop. We took our seats. A few moments later, beverages arrived and along with came the guy. Did I mention that they requested to see me in sari? Weird? Welcome to the world of arranged marriages!! I was almost melting in that attire. I tried different postures but couldn’t figure out one to settle in. It felt somewhat funny showcasing myself but then there I was.

His father broke the ice and both the families started talking to each other about trivia. I felt kind of relieved for not being center of attraction any more, momentarily though. His sister-in-law pounced on me with her list of questions, “Do you know cooking?”

Now if you’ve read my other blog, you’d know that cooking is my hobby and I can cook almost about anything. But you love your hobbies as long as they are not imposed on you and if this question is asked in such a setting, then anyone is likely to say, “I’m a terrible cook.”

She smiled in response. A few more questions from different family members and I felt that I was being scrutinized from different angles. I deduced that job interviews are far easier than the matrimonial ones.

Then his mother suggested that me and her son should talk separately. She requested for my mother’s permission which was duly granted. He took me to the adjacent table. I could sense his eyes fixed on me. But I couldn’t raise my eyes, so I continued to fiddle with my phone.

“What are your office timings?” came his first question which, considering the other questions, was pretty normal. So I answered it politely. Please don’t get me wrong, I answered all the questions politely (as directed by my mom), just that I was slightly taken aback by the kind of questions that were being thrown at me.

His next question, keeping pace with others, was something I could not imagine myself answering even in my worst dreams.

“What you wear to work?” he goes.

I looked at him for a moment thinking if he belonged to the same era as mine.

“Clothes, like any normal human being. What about you?” I was zapped at the ugliness of the question.

“I don’t like girls in westerns.”

“I thought clothing is all about one’s comfort. Would you stop wearing denims if you spouse doesn’t like it?”

“Would you continue to work post marriage?”

“Well! I haven’t thought about it yet. Priorities change with time. So far, yes I would continue to work. Are you looking for a house-wife?”

“Yes!”

“A working woman may be as good as a housewife. Don’t you think it’s more important to understand your partner than imposing yourself on her?”

“I was just trying to be clear.”

“I appreciate you being upfront and I would also not like to lead you on. I don’t think I am the kind of girl you’re looking for.”

It’s not difficult to sacrifice something but finding the right person who is worth the sacrifice is certainly difficult. I believe a successful relationship is more about giving than taking. Any marriage can be worked out if both the parties care to understand, respect and accommodate each other’s needs. In other words, it’s the unconditional love and dedication that makes it all possible.

The Stanford Grad

Kids, on your way to the right partner, you meet many wrong ones. But don’t be disappointed, meet all of them with equal ebullience, take your lessons, and don’t forget to enjoy.

Remember, its one life, relish every moment!!!

It’s a rainy Sunday morning, one that doesn't let you step out of your bed. I am doing just that... sleeping in my cozy warm bed when my stupid phone starts to ring. I open one eye to check the time… It’s 10. I wanna sleep some more. I put the phone on silent. It rings again, this time on vibration though. I’m agitated. I take the call nonetheless.

“Wake up baby,” Lily says.

Me: “And Do what? Talk to you!! I’ve better things to do.”

Lily: “Baby get up. I do have something to tell ya.”

Me: “Don’t bore me ya.”

Lily: “Does a Standford Grad interests you?”

Me: “You kiddin me?”

Lily: “No I am not.”

Me: “Why will I interest him?”

Lily: “Don’t underestimate yourself.”

Me: “Shut the fuck up.”

Lily: “Ok check you email.”

Five minutes later…

“It’s fake,” I say

“May be… And if he is then he doesn’t know who he is messing up with?” Lily says

Me: “None of my business, baby. Let go!!”

Lily: “If you don’t, someone else will. Take the lead. Besides, it may not be fake. You never know unless you try.”

Me: “Don’t give that to me. I remember these words very well. I am NOT interested.”

Lily: “Baby, I have already responded to him, you will get a call in a while.”

Me: “F@#% you. You’re not my friend. I severe my friendship with you. Break-up! Break-up! Break-up!”

Two hours later…

Dad: Some Aditya Chopra (Name changed) called for you.

Me: Who Aditya Chopra?

Dad: He gave reference to XYZ matrimonial site. He left this number.

Me: Damn!! Ok I remember. (I explain the situation to my dad.)

Dad: Let me talk to him.

He reveals that his parents are in Canada for a wedding. He has a sister who is pursuing MBA from NYU.  He stays in the same city as mine and just bought a bungalow. He is working as a Director for some company.

Impressive so far, isn’t it? Read on…

At this point, I ask my father to let me speak with him.

Me: “What in my profile piqued your interest?”

He: “You’re simple and intelligent.”

Me: “How come my profile speaks of intelligence? And how you define simplicity?”

He can’t come up with a convincing answer. But I am looking for something substantial.

Me: “What are your future plans?”

He: “To get married.”

(Boy! he is desperate!!) GEE!!!

Me: “Besides that?”

He: “Haven’t given much thought to it.”

Me: “Darn! You can’t be from Stan!! You’re boring!”

He: “You don’t know who is Aditya Chopra.”

Me: “Yeah! I don’t know about you but Aditya Chopra is the director in Bollywood.”

He: “Go Google. You will find out.”

Me: “You don’t know who is Dudette. You’re messing up with the wrong girl dude. Back off.”

He: “Babe, You interest me. And I want to marry you.”

Me: “Hang on!! This is the first time we are talking. We haven’t met yet. And you wanna marry me? You insane? Can I have your address please?”

He: “I love you. You don’t trust me?”

Me: “WAIT!!!! Address please!!”

He: “Do you want to speak with my parents?”

Me: “I want my parents to meet you first. Then I will meet your parents. Address please.”

Line goes blank.

I receive an SMS which reads “I truly loved you and I believed that I found my soulmate but guess what you never trusted me. When I shared your profile with my parents, they were so glad that their Adi found the love of his life. You disappointed me.”

I wrote an email to my phone service provider and asked them for call details of the call that I made. Two days later, I get a response from them saying that the number belongs to some suburb in Bihar.

I forwarded the email as is to Aditya Chopra. Apparently, I never got a reply.

Best thing, his profile is no more there on the site :-)

The B-School Alum

Time flies and leaves behind enchanting memories to cherish forever.  It was December 2006. Christmas was spreading its warmth in the air. All directions were teeming with dazzlingly-shiny eyes and joyous laughter. It was time to indulge and to celebrate.

Around this time, Lily called. I'd received another proposal. She wanted me to look at the details before she accepts the proposal. He was a graduate from a premier business school in India and was working with a leading automobile company. He was staying away from his parents in the same city as mine. He was looking for an educated, understanding woman. Sounds good enough to give a chance.

In a couple of days, I received his call. He’d got manly yet flirtatious voice, he sounded freewheeling and professed to be a die-hard romantic. Not a problem unless he salivates at every other woman. The introductory call dint appeal to my instincts. I was apprehensive about proceeding further. Lily says, ‘you never know until you try’. Makes sense. I gotta meet him.

Two-days before the New Year’s Eve, I met him. Damn! He was charming. To be honest, he was more than charming… he was sexy. My heart did skip a beat. I smiled inwardly and told myself to ignore the packaging and concentrate on the ‘real he’. We talked about his college days, his aspirations, motivations, expectations etc. It included discussions on current topics just to understand his take on general and social issues (just to have an idea on his personal ethics and values). I gathered that he was knowledgeable, fun-loving and dint care about the world at all.

He claimed to be a face-reader.  In his words, ‘Dudette is a different woman than what she reveals to the world. She tries to restrain herself whereas she wants to enjoy life thoroughly. She needs someone who is as fun-loving as she is.’

"Oh baby! I never knew I was so transparent.", thought yours truly.

So what is the point was he trying to make?

He: What are your plans for the New Year?
Me (modestly): None so far.
He: You like going out, don’t you?
Me: I love to but you gotta have good company. Besides New Years is generally very crowded so its not very safe I believe.
He: Hmmm!!! Do you mind alcohol?
Me (modestly again): Never tried out, so can’t say. But I think I do mind.
He:  Wanna try?
Me (with raised eye-brows): Huh?
He: How about if I pick you up on the New Year’s Eve.
Then he paused.
Me: Uh huh!!! Go on… I’m all ears.
He: I will like to take you out go for dinner then we can either head for dance or go for a long-drive.
Me: O.K.A.Y.
He: Why don’t you try out some wine, champagne or vodka then?  I will drop you home by 2am. You will be safe, don’t worry. Howzzat??
Me: Absolutely Phenomenal!!! I’m floored. How about if I bring my brother along?
He: Nahin, phir mazaa nahi aayega. (I won’t be able to have fun then.)
Me (totally flabbergasted and paralyzed): Mazaa!!! How come I could never decipher the meaning of ‘fun-loving’ earlier? You jerk.

Did I miss on a truly fun-loving guy because I could not unshackle myself from conservatism???

The Software Engineer

I recently celebrated my birthday and it brought back the memories of the day when I received this special call.

I was sitting in the balcony enjoying the tranquility of a cold winter morning. My hair was still wet. I was sipping a steaming hot cup of coffee when my phone began ringing. It was flashing an anonymous number. I took the call and the voice on the other side showered me with beautiful birthday wishes. I quirked my head sideways and ran my fingers through my wet entangled hair. Still wondering about the anonymous caller, I politely inquired "Many thanks for the wishes but I am unable to recall you. Please help." He glibly replied that he sent a message on my matrimonial account and I accepted his proposal. I realized that Lily must have responded to his message. Quickly recovering, I blamed on my memory and asked for his name etc.

Spent the day with friends and family, watching movie, eating, shopping, dancing etc. I received his call again at 10ish and this time I talked at length. Turned out that he is working in the IT company right opposite to mine and his father is in the same office as my father's. What a coincidence!!! If he is ‘The One’ then world has really shrunk down a small village.

We spoke with each other for a couple of more days, don’t ask me what cuz I myself don’t remember. Let me quickly take you forward to the third day when he called at around 10 to wish 'Good Night'. I have a strong urge to give an exact transcript of the conversation so here we go: 

He: Hey, what’s up?

Me: Nothing much, just had dinner. You say.

He: Just returned from a friend's place, thought of wishing you good night.

Me: Well, thanks and same to you.

He: Is that all? You have nothing else to say.

Me: Oh yeah, have sweet dreams.

He: And...

Me: Sleep well.

He: And...

Me: What and???

He: You think about it. What else you should say??

Me: (Contorting my face in the most impossible manner) I think I have pretty much said what I wanted to. Why don’t you tell me what you expecting to hear? I might say that as well (and let’s get over with it.)

He: No I want you to come up with it.

Me: (Now, you pissing me off) Really sorry, I am very bad at that. Please help.

He: You don’t wanna say that you love me??

Me: (WTF!$%^#@) Well, I haven’t seen you. I don’t know much about you other than what you already told me. I haven’t met with your family. Moreover, my family doesn’t even know about your existence. To me 'love you' means a commitment and it takes time to commit to someone, just a couple of lovy duvy calls are not enough. Clearly, I don’t love you.

He: I don’t wanna marry a girl who doesn’t love me.

Me: Fair enough. Good luck.

World is indeed full of idiosyncrasies. I had a good laugh at myself and immediately shared this incident with Lily. In the process, I abused her for this weird suggestion of having such a matrimonial account.

Up Next: Encounter with The B-School Alum--Keep Watching :)

The IIT Alum

Kids, after the queer encounter with the 'ex-army officer', I was pretty much disappointed and started to lose the whatsoever faith in the matrimonial site. I had shared the admin rights of my account on the web site with my friend too. For ease of reference, let’s name my friend "Lily". So she went back to my account and checked for any potential proposal(s) and voila. A proposal from an IIT alum was waiting for my attention. Not bad at all. Again the same process of sharing details, chatting and talking on phone. Everything deemed perfect by far. He disclosed that he will be traveling to Paris shortly and that he would like to meet me before his departure.

We scheduled a meeting on a comfortable weekend. He flew down to my city. It helped that his real sister was putting up in Delhi. The one-hour meeting unveiled that he possessed average height, athletic physique and was pretty contented with his life. Before leaving, he proposed me. Either he was stampeding or really succumbed to my charms. Nonetheless, it felt great. Isn’t it kinda weird to propose a girl on the very first date, you ask. But I believe it’s okay if the date is matrimonial. I bargained for some time.

He left for Paris and called me every time he called his mother. He would share his experiences and that how much missed his country, his people and sometimes me. HE mentioned that Paris is indeed the most romantic place and he will come back here with his loving wifey (indirectly referring to me). It was flattering but a bit immature too. More on that later.

A fortnight down the line, we met again when came back from his expedition and was on his way to his native place i.e. to see his parents. It was a b'ful morning of the Spring of 2006. I told him that I want him to take a step ahead and meet my family. The words brought a wide smile on his face which I had never witnessed before. Elated, he proposed to speak with his parents and arrange for a meeting between the two families. I was convinced that all along his way back home, he was seething with songs like “Pehli nazar mein kaisa jadoo kar diya".

Guess...stars had something else in store for me. Unfortunately, the same day, in the evening, my grandmother demised of cardiac failure. My family was grief-stricken. I informed him of the loss the next day when he called. Clearly, any progress was inconceivable for at least a fortnight.

Turned out while I was trying to recover and was busy taking care of my family, he was busy meeting with other potential candidates. And a week later, he intimated that he got engaged with a girl picked by his family. I was speechless.

Patience and understanding are the utmost required ingredients in the recipe of a relationship.